Random Thoughts...and Perhaps a Small Rant

I really find it amusing when I sit down to write and I don't have anything to say. I'm one of the most opinionated people I know--I ALWAYS have something to say! I think the problem is that you never know who will be reading your blog. I could write about my job, but who knows who would read it and where it would end up? I could write about friends and family, but they might read it and figure out who I'm talking about...which leaves Charlotte, and I'm pretty sure that her each and every minute development is only interesting to me, and maybe my husband.

So instead...I'll talk about my job. Or, more specifically, my lack of success at my job. I gave a test today. No big deal, we've been working on this unit for over a month, I announced the test over a week ago, so my students should be very well prepared, right? Not so. The test consists of fill-in-the-blank definitions and examples. The definitions, and even some of the examples, are STRAIGHT out of the notes. Like, word for freaking word. It's rote memorization. That's not ON Bloom's Food Pyramid, is it?

And still...my highest grade was BARELY a B. Seriously? Progress reports come out next week, and I'm going to be inundated with complaints from students and parents alike wanting to know why they have such low grades. What am I supposed to tell them?

Well...your kid is out at least once a week and never gets his makeup work.
No, he can't have it now.

Your kid misses at least one day a week, then complains when he doesn't understand the material and gets mad at ME when I won't completely re-teach the lesson that his 25 classmates managed to show up for.

Your kid sleeps every day.

Your kid comes in every day and asks for a pencil. WHY would you come to school EVERY DAY with no writing utensil?

Your kid waits until the DAY OF THE TEST to tell me he doesn't understand everything we've done for the last month.

Your kid doesn't pay attention, doesn't follow directions, and requires me to repeat everything that comes out of my mouth. I hate repeating myself.

Your kid talks all.the.time.

Your kid wants to go to the bathroom EVERY SINGLE DAY right in the middle of notes.

Your kid doesn't take notes, then gets mad when we have an open-notes quiz.

Your kid doesn't bother to correct his assignments when I go over the answers, then gets upset when I take off points because his answers are wrong.

Your kid is too busy trying to hit on all the girls in my class to pay attention.

Your kid did NOT turn in all those assignments. Somehow I find it hard to believe that ONLY your kid's work was "stolen" out of the basket, when everyone else's work managed to find its way there.

OK, obviously I only wish I could say some of these things. But seriously? 24 days left in the year and sometimes I wonder if I'm going to make it. And the sad thing is that for the most part, I LOVE my kids. I really do. As kids, they're great. As students...well, sometimes not so much. And I'll admit that a lot of it isn't their fault. Some of them have no one at home emphasizing the importance of education. Some of them have never been held accountable for anything in their lives. Some of them wouldn't recognize a consequence if it bit them in the ass.

I hate to sound as if I feel that it's my own personal responsibility to take them all down a peg...but in some ways, I do feel that way. I've literally had students tell me that nothing matters in high school--they'll start trying in college. Excuse me? With that attitude and those grades, you're not going to get IN to college...and it's going to be too late when they realize it.

OK my brain literally just shut down in the middle of my thought process. Probably a good thing. As I was leaving the babysitter's today, I told her that I would be picking up Charlotte tomorrow. I completely thought that tomorrow was Wednesday, and didn't realize until several hours later when I was home that tomorrow is Thursday and I have ESOL class until forever p.m. That doesn't even make sense to me. I'm going to bed now.

In the mean time...Happy Moo!

Finally...

Charlotte is feeling better today. I think. No fever, and significanly less congested. She is, however, fussing in her crib. Going to check on her, and then...Back to work for me!

Sick Moo

What an exhausting day of doing nothing. I have no idea what is wrong with Charlotte. Thankfully she hasn't thrown up again since very early this morning, but she is SO congested. I've put saline drops in her nose, and tried the nasal aspirator bulb--now she just screams when she sees it in my hand. Poor baby...not feeling well and being attacked by Mommy the Sucky Bulb Monster.

It just kills me to listen to her trying to breathe. She's having trouble eating because it's hard to suck on a bottle with a stuffed up nose, and she can't sleep because she wants to suck her thumb, which again is difficult with a stuffy nose. She FINALLY fell asleep around 4, but it's almost time to wake her up for dinner. Luckily, Mommy has some baby-food chicken noodle soup...good for what ails you.

I want to fix it! I don't think the pediatrician could do anything for her because she's so little. She was running a slight fever, but it never got higher than 99.9, and it's starting to go down (I think). I feel so overprotective and over-worried...but I'd rather be that way and nothing happen than not worry and have her get really sick. Right now I'm debating whether I should keep her home tomorrow as well. It's kind of a Catch-22, because it would be silly to stay home if she's fine in the morning, but I have to call in as early as possible to make sure I have a sub for my class. I guess we'll see how she is after dinner and bath.

These last couple of days have really tried me as a parent--not in the sense that my child is difficult and I'm having trouble with her, but in the sense that I'm really looking at myself and my responsibilities in a new light. Being Charlotte's mom has been relatively easy...she rarely cries, has slept through the night since about 3 months, isn't a fussy eater, gets along with everyone she meets. She's great--it's me I'm not so sure about sometimes. I've always been extremely sensitive to the opinions and criticism of others--I want to make people happy and I want to be liked--but at the same time, I'm my own worst critic. I've never had (and often envied) the fuck it attitude I see in some of my friends, the complete and total self-confidence to do and say what they want, when they want, how they want.

In the last few days though, I've noticed a definite shift in my priorities, at least in terms of parenting. After Charlotte's tumble yesterday, Brian kept offering to tell everyone that he had put her in the car seat, that he had let her fall...and I realized that I don't care. I really, really, really don't care who knows that I did something irresponsible with my child. I've been judgmental enough of other parents to know that some people would criticize that slip, but yeah...I really don't care.

What I DO care about, on the other hand...I thought I was self-critical before. HA. I knew NOTHING of the guilt and blame that I would feel the first time my child got hurt, especially when there was something I could have done to prevent it. All day today, my heart has broken every time I hear her cry, every time she sniffles her little nose. I WANT TO FIX IT. Why can't I??? I'm her mother, I'm SUPPOSED to be able to make it better!

I know that I can't live the rest of my life beating myself up over every bump and bruise...but how do I stop? Why did no one tell me about this?

Sleep Deprivation

It's 4 am...Charlotte woke up crying about an hour ago. She's all congested, her poor little eye is swollen shut, she's got all this junk running out of her nose...she are some formula and promptly threw it all back up. We're staying home today...poor little sickly moo. :(

And the Award Goes to...

The Worst Mother of the Year award...that would be me. At least for today. This morning was great. Charlotte slept until about 8, the we were busy busy bees. We got up, got a new diaper, nursed, had a bottle, had some oatmeal/applesauce/bananas, did some laundry, sat in the bouncy while mommy took a shower--all before 10 a.m.! We were going to visit Grandma and Grandpa Ron, then going by to see GiGi on our way back for Granddad and Jane to stop by and visit.

Brian was outside mowing the lawn and stopped to chat for a second before we left. I put Charlotte in her carseat, which was sitting on the couch, and went to hand Brian his drink and his phone...as we're discussing what time I need to be home by, I hear a crash, and turn around--no car seat. I'm assuming Charlotte was trying to sit up, since she kind of semi-reclines when she's sitting in the seat and that's one of her least favorite positions. In the process, the seat tilted and fell forward, off the couch, with my baby in it. She hit her head on the corner of the coffee table and landed on the floor with the seat on top of her.

I have never been so scared in my life.

My baby, who NEVER cries, screamed and screamed, and I cried, and Brian may have shed a tear or two. She has a bruise on her face next to her right eye, and a red spot on her forehead--every time I look at her it makes me want to start crying again. Charlotte was fine--within 10 mintues or so of falling she was laughing and playing with her feet and eating some formula. I went ahead and called the pediatrician (who takes FOREVER to call back, by the way), but that was probably for my own peace of mind than anything else. She said that it sounded like Charlotte was fine, told us what to look for, and that was that. She didn't tell us how to make me feel better though...

Ultimately, I'm more of a wreck than Charlotte ever was during the whole event. I keep playing it over and over in my head and envisioning all the things that could have happened when she fell. My ever-so-helpful husband told me, as I was sitting there holding my screaming child in my arms, that it was ok, it could have been a lot worse--she could have broken her neck. REALLY? THANKS. SERIOUSLY.

Even thinking that makes me sick to my stomach...I'm just sick over the whole thing. I feel like such an irresponsible, unfit parent. So far, this has to be the single most horrible thing no one told me about being a parent--the guilt. I'm supposed to protect her, for crying out loud! I rather failed in that venture today. I'm lucky that Charlotte is so little that she can't be mad at me, even though she should--I'm furious at myself. Brian offered to take the blame for putting her in her seat, but that's not even it...he can't take the blame from me. I know that I put her there and that I wasn't paying close enough attention. I know that she could have been hurt a lot worse than she was, because I was careless. Ugh.

I know I'm going to keep beating myself up over it...but not here. Suffice it to say that Charlotte is fine, even if I'm still a wreck. The best thing I can say will come from this incident is that I won't allow it to repeat itself, and be that much more thankful that I have an amazing, beatiful daughter (and the hubs isn't bad either).

On that note...here's a picture of Miss Silly Moo from her bath last night!

Chicken!!!

So...it's official. Charlotte is a carnivore. She had her first baby food chicken tonight and loved it...as evidenced by her messy grin! On the other hand, Mommy still has not eaten dinner, and I'm about to face plant on the keyboard. This blog thing is going to be a bitch to keep up with!

Before I go...my friend's daugher lost her favorite toy. It's a pink 2008 "My First Easter" bunny (with hood) from Wal-Mart. It has 2008 on the foot. If you have one that you don't want, or want to sell, or you know someone who does, please let me know! She has looked on Ebay and a dozen other websites with no luck so far. Thanks!

What Was I Thinking?

So...to review for our upcoming poetry test, something possessed me to play Jeopardy with my kids. WHY?!?!?!?!?!? If I ever again seem like I think that would be a good idea, SOMEONE STOP ME! I had some visitors in from another school during my biggest and loudest class, and they probably think I'm the worst teacher on the planet. However...I do think my kids actually got something out of the review. More than they would have from just copying definitions, at least. They're good kids and I love every one of them to pieces, but sometimes they make me want to scream! Grr.

One of my former students came in today to see me, in tears because he has got SO much going on right now--more than any teenager should have to worry about. It's so easy to dismiss their concerns as frivolous, but not all of them are. Some of these kids have to grow up so fast, and it breaks my heart that they can't enjoy just being kids. Some of them are trying to grow up too fast, and that breaks my heart too, because they have no idea what they're missing--and one day they will realize it. One of my students was talking the other day about how he has one tattoo but wants another one. A tattoo? At 15? Seriously? What 15-year-old needs a tattoo? I asked him what his parents thought and he told me that his dad didn't like it, but the kid had the money and wanted it so his parents signed the waiver. What on earth is wrong with people? Your 15-year-old son wanted it and had the money, so that's a good reason? How about just saying NO?

I worry a lot that I'm too judgmental of other parents. It's easy to look at them and think that I would never let MY child do that. I've realized that having a child of my own puts a new light on EVERYTHING; every time I see a girl walking through the hallway I think, Would I want my daughter wearing that? (The answer is usually NO!!!!) When I hear my students talk, I wonder if their parents know half of what goes on with them. I wonder if I'm being way too judgmental, and if I will be in the same boat when Charlotte is a teenager. I hope not.

OK enough of that. It is now...8 p.m. and I am so tired that I can't focus. Going to crash on the couch so I can pretend that I'm spending time with the hubs.

Ugh

Home from ESOL class. I got about 5 minutes with Charlotte before she went to bed. Words cannot express how much I resent these classes taking me away from my time with her. I'm so afraid she's going to do something new or pop out her new tooth while I'm at class and I'll miss it. Now that complete exhaustion has set in by 9pm, I'm off to bed.

And suddenly it's all worth it...

OK, maybe not all. I just got through writing about what a frustrating day I had with my kids, and my mom called to tell me that we had 3 kids win a pretty competitive regional award. There are 11 categories and about 250 entrants overall, so it's a fairly big deal. The student who won in the area of English was one of my babies as a freshman--the first class to go all 4 years at my school, and the first group of kids I ever taught. These kids will always have a special place for me, and I couldn't be more proud that our kids did such a great job. It does help balance out days where I feel like I'm taking two steps back for every step forward....and makes tomorrow a little easier to face.

Good Friends, Good Coffee

I had a horrible day. There wasn't really any particular reason why it was horrible, which I think made it worse--there wasn't anything to blame my mood on, nothing and no one in particular I could lash out at. My laptop at work is a piece of crap; it takes 15 minutes to boot up in the morning, then it's slow as molasses in freakin January the rest of the day. I could spend 5 minutes just trying to get my attendance window up.

Mostly my annoyance stemmed from the fact that like ONE kid out of every class actually did the assignment that I gave them TWO class days and a whole freaking weekend to finish. Half of them are waiting for me to give them the answers, while the other half are frantically trying to copy off a neighbor or bullshit their way through the answers. After spending a month on poetry, which isn't my favorite subject anyway, the blank stares and blatant laziness of my kids just pissed me off. By the end of the day I didn't even want to talk to them. I shudder to think what's going to happen to these kids when they get into their first "real" job and their boss won't let them slide in the door late or turn in half-completed work. And I don't even want to hear that crap about how it was the same when "we" were in school, because it wasn't. I have a parent who always wants to tell me that "we" were the same as high schoolers, but it would never have occurred to me to be as much of jerk as this kid. Anyway. I digress.

Nothing makes the day better than a gummy, drooly smile from my kid. It sounds so cliche, but I'm just now beginning to realize that it's the truth. Also not to be underestimated is an afternoon drinking coffee with a good friend. The older we get, the more we have going on...between work and kids and extra classes and second jobs and going back to college, it's hard to work int he time that we used to spend together. There are very few people left that I would call good friends, but there are still those that I can spend an afternoon with and pass the time without even realizing how fast it's going. Thanks for being you, hooch, and thanks for holding my baby.

The First Cut

Charlotte slept in her crib last night. All night. I've been delaying and delaying moving her into the crib because I love having her in the same room with me and being able to hear her breathe and move around. It was way past time though--she was getting much too big for her bassinet. Let's just say that she adjusted to the change much better than I did.

Home Now

The party went well. It's hard to believe 2 years have gone by so fast...I remember visiting Tara in the hospital and being afraid to hold Chacea--I'd never held a baby that tiny before! Now I look at Charlotte and can already see her at that age. It's scary!

Charlotte got to play on the swings for a little bit at the park before it was time for breakfast. It took her almost the whole time to eat because there was so much going on around her! She had a great nap when we got home, which means I got a nap too! Usually I'm too busy trying to get stuff done around the house while she's asleep, but today I figured it could wait. Very nice.

Charlotte is now asleep (in her crib!) and I think I'm headed in the same direction. 33 more school days until summer break!

In which I step tentatively into the world of blogging...

This is an experiment for me. Right now, I should be getting Charlotte up from her nap and getting her ready for Chacea's birthday party...but time management has never been my strong suit. I hope this will be a way for me to blow off some steam, do something I love to do, and most importantly give my loyal readers up-to-the-minute news on Charlotte! During her first three months, I was pretty good about sending out pics and updates on her, but since January that's become more difficult....there's just not enough hours in the day, and I inevitably leave someone out. So I'm hoping this will help some in that arena.

And...off I go. I'm not entirely sure I will be good at blogging--I have a lot to say, but I'm not sure others will want to hear (read?) it. But I'm game to give it a try. And on that note, I'm off to the races. Until next time...