What an exhausting day of doing nothing. I have no idea what is wrong with Charlotte. Thankfully she hasn't thrown up again since very early this morning, but she is SO congested. I've put saline drops in her nose, and tried the nasal aspirator bulb--now she just screams when she sees it in my hand. Poor baby...not feeling well and being attacked by Mommy the Sucky Bulb Monster.
It just kills me to listen to her trying to breathe. She's having trouble eating because it's hard to suck on a bottle with a stuffed up nose, and she can't sleep because she wants to suck her thumb, which again is difficult with a stuffy nose. She FINALLY fell asleep around 4, but it's almost time to wake her up for dinner. Luckily, Mommy has some baby-food chicken noodle soup...good for what ails you.
I want to fix it! I don't think the pediatrician could do anything for her because she's so little. She was running a slight fever, but it never got higher than 99.9, and it's starting to go down (I think). I feel so overprotective and over-worried...but I'd rather be that way and nothing happen than not worry and have her get really sick. Right now I'm debating whether I should keep her home tomorrow as well. It's kind of a Catch-22, because it would be silly to stay home if she's fine in the morning, but I have to call in as early as possible to make sure I have a sub for my class. I guess we'll see how she is after dinner and bath.
These last couple of days have really tried me as a parent--not in the sense that my child is difficult and I'm having trouble with her, but in the sense that I'm really looking at myself and my responsibilities in a new light. Being Charlotte's mom has been relatively easy...she rarely cries, has slept through the night since about 3 months, isn't a fussy eater, gets along with everyone she meets. She's great--it's me I'm not so sure about sometimes. I've always been extremely sensitive to the opinions and criticism of others--I want to make people happy and I want to be liked--but at the same time, I'm my own worst critic. I've never had (and often envied) the fuck it attitude I see in some of my friends, the complete and total self-confidence to do and say what they want, when they want, how they want.
In the last few days though, I've noticed a definite shift in my priorities, at least in terms of parenting. After Charlotte's tumble yesterday, Brian kept offering to tell everyone that he had put her in the car seat, that he had let her fall...and I realized that I don't care. I really, really, really don't care who knows that I did something irresponsible with my child. I've been judgmental enough of other parents to know that some people would criticize that slip, but yeah...I really don't care.
What I DO care about, on the other hand...I thought I was self-critical before. HA. I knew NOTHING of the guilt and blame that I would feel the first time my child got hurt, especially when there was something I could have done to prevent it. All day today, my heart has broken every time I hear her cry, every time she sniffles her little nose. I WANT TO FIX IT. Why can't I??? I'm her mother, I'm SUPPOSED to be able to make it better!
I know that I can't live the rest of my life beating myself up over every bump and bruise...but how do I stop? Why did no one tell me about this?
No comments:
Post a Comment