It's the American Idol finale...will it be Kris? Will it be Adam? Whoever it is, please tell me it means Cara will STOP TALKING. And please, dear God, so will Ryan Seacrest.
What on EARTH is Randy wearing? Usually I say that about Paula, but Holy Mixed Purple Patterns, Batman, I think my corneas have been seared. Randy looks like he needs to be commentating (is that even a word?) on an NBA playoff game. Nope, corneas are intact...I can still see Simon's unbuttoned-to-his-navel starchy white frock. Eeep! Chest hair!
What a surprise, we immediately have a commercial break. I usually really, really, really hate commercials, but I must say that I enjoy the AT&T commercials. It's become somewhat of a game to pick out the more bars in more places. It's like an electronic Where's Waldo.
Back we are and look, it's baby Adam! He wasn't born with that black and blue hair? I feel cheated. You know, usually I shed a tear or two that Adam doesn't go for the ladies, but the more I look at him, the more I think that it just wouldn't work with him and a chick. His eyeliner is WAY too good. Seriously, last week the weather lady on his hometown news show stopped her report to have him do her eyeliner. Can you blame her? If he doesn't make it in show biz, he's got a gig at the MAC counter for sure.
Uh oh...Paula's proud of him. Must have thought he sucked. Does she even use real words? Randy just compared Adam to Twilight...he wins all the psychotic teenager votes, which previously went to Kris. Unfortunately, I don't see Kris fitting into the emo vampire mold. He's not sparkly. Adam...definitely sparkly.
When did Kris learn how to play the piano? He's all on the guitar al the time and Matt and Scott play the piano, but now that they're gone he can suddenly play? Methinks not, sir. Why does he look like he's in pain when he sings? Maybe it's the forced instrumental accompaniment?
Aha! Randy is secretly wishing he was at the Lakers game. I KNEW it! Ugh. Why do they all love Kris? Apparently something is wrong with me, because Kris does not awaken the spirit within me. Where is Danny? I'm so sad.
I had this plan to make snarky comments about the commercials while I'm waiting, but I'm finding that they're all so pathetically horrible that I can't find enough interest in them to be snarky. This is a sad, sad day.
"A Change is Gonna Come"...THIS is why I love Adam. He can perform. And Paula just ruined it with her attempt to lasso him in...she doesn't seem to have realized that he doesn't swing that way.
What? Did we just interrupt a surreptitious hand squeeze between Blondie and Mr. Lambert? I believe we did! In the meantime, while minutes of life are being stolen during the commercials, I'll tell you about my super moo. I think we're having a growth spurt, because she ate like 3 meals of solid food at Ms. Terri's, and then a bottle when Daddy got her home, then some juice, then some MORE juice, then some OOOH CHRISTIAN BALE!!!!!! bananas and cereal and squash. Sorry, I got distracted. I heart moo and shiny things and Christian Bale.
Ooh, we're back. Kris is the pride of Arkansas. Really? Oh look, it's a guitar. How about a performance? Some personality? A razor to take care of that non-mustache that he's not growing? Dude, if you can't grow some complete facial hair, then don't. Just...don't. Why do you people like him??? (You know who you are...)
Cara really shouldn't gesture at her chestal region while she's talking about uplifting. And Paula's talking about "tearing it up." I think we've got some frustrated cougars on our hands. Well, Simon wanted Kris to grab hold of the song and make it his...maybe it's not just the ladies. In Kris' defense, it really irritates me when they rip on them for song choice when they had nothing to do with it--some guy picked a sucky song for you? THERE'S AN APP FOR THAT.
How about irritating commercials? Is there an app for that? How about adding an -ay sound to the end of any word ending with an e because you got you some McCafe? Because nothing says "I'm cultured and classy and French" like a coffee from McDonald's.
How about the ridiculously overplayed cavemen on the Geico commercials? Are you kidding me? They're bowling? To a 3 Doors Down song? I want them to go away. Is there an app for that? IS THERE?????????
Oh look, a promo for a new show called "Mental." I bet that's about people who have issues. Because I don't have enough of my own, I need to watch a show about other people's issues. Pass.
Here's the song Cara helped write. These "winner's songs" are usually the worst trash I've ever heard. I'm rather surprised that this isn't horrible. Oh wait...I spoke too soon. Could this song BE any more geared toward Kris Allen? Seriously? Not one of these notes is in Adam's range. Clearly Cara is trying to sabotage him by writing a crappy song. It's like Survivor mets Cyndi Lauper meets...Green Day or something.
OK, I almost just had a serious breakdown. My computer just restarted itself because Windows decided it was time to install updates. Um, I'm USING it, moron computer. Install later, kkthx. Luckily, Blogspot is more intelligent than Windows Vista and saved a draft.
Onward. Kris sucked too. Maybe it's just the song. It sucks. WHY do they insist on trying to write these sappy, syrupy power ballads for the winner's songs? It's horrible. Every year, they have to sing the same kind of song and it always sounds horrible.
And on a final note...why is Kris wearing a rain coat inside?
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